I decided to prepare my room this morning before I sat down to write today’s issue of Monday Morning Coach. And, like always, I lit a candle to invite Spirit to be with me as I put my pen to paper. I like to have a candle lit when I write and when I coach to remind me of Spirit’s presence as well as my intention to be fully present in my heart.
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I recently to a trip to Hawaii. It was wonderful. It was also great to spend time with my family and explore new sights and terrain. I also enjoyed the opportunity to distance myself from my computer and technology. I found the separation to be a healthy and rejuvenating experience.
For someone whose intention it is to stay fully present in my heart, I find that technology has the ability to keep me trapped in my head. I can easily get sucked into my computer and completely lose track of time and my focus. After doing so, I often feel buzzed and even a bit dizzy. I am sure that some of this is from my head injury, but I often wonder if others are similarly affected.
While visiting the Pacific Whale Foundation in Maui, I came across a book titled Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv. (Click for Author’s Web Site)
It is about the many children today who have lost their connection to nature due to the fact that they spend the majority of their time indoors (playing video and computer games and watching television). It made me sad to think of anyone missing the opportunity to understand the delightful power of Mother Nature and her abundant gifts; something for which we often take for granted.
I live in a small mountain community visited by over three million people a year who come to explore Rocky Mountain National Park. It’s not hard to spot the out of towners as they are the ones loudly talking on their cell phones in the checkout line at the supermarket, painfully unaware of their surroundings. They seem rushed, confused, and clearly not present. It is my hope that after spending some time in the park (where there is no cell phone coverage by the way) that they will re-emerge with a new sense of connection both to nature and to themselves. Perhaps they will also bring this reconnection with them as they journey back home and plunge back into their fast-paced, technologically rich lives.
I was once on the leading edge of the technological world. I had an electronic newsletter long before a lot of people had email or a Web site. But over the past several years I have become out of touch with technology. I made a conscious choice to explore other things that had greater appeal to me (like spending time with my young daughter rather than learning how to properly operate my digital camera). I often wonder if my life has suffered for it, but when I consult my heart, I feel pleased with my choices. Perhaps I don’t know what I am missing, but judging from the joy I feel living at a snail’s pace here in the Rocky Mountains I am content not knowing how to text message (gasp!) while still listening to CDs on my walkman.
I ask you, does your soul yearn for a slower pace or a deeper connection within yourself? If so, might time spent in nature help you fulfill your intention? What might happen if you did?
copyright Carole L. Billingham 2008
Years ago, a loving friend said to me, “If you treated your friends like you treat yourself, you wouldn’t have any friends.”
I remember being stunned and shocked in realization that she was indeed correct.
Somewhere along the line, I had become cruel and mean to myself. I had become a relentless taskmaster with no tolerance for anything less than excellence. I had allowed my inner tyrant to take over my life and I had lost sight of who I really was.
The irony was that I had a huge capacity to be kind and loving with everyone else on the planet except myself. In truth, I would have been ashamed and embarrassed if anyone discovered how brutal I could be, and was, with myself.
I share this with you because I have discovered that most of us have an inner voice or two that if we allow it, can become quite bossy and out of control. Or worse, it can become amplified and can drive out all of the joy in our lives and replace it with FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). Sadly, these voices can be very sneaky and manipulative. And who better to manipulate you than a part of you? Right?
The good news is that by remembering who really is in control of your life (and the voices in your head) you can start to embrace that inner taskmaster, send him/ her love and transform him/her into an ally. Believe it or not, that inner tyrant really does love you (after all, it’s a part of you). It has just gotten a bit out of whack on how it communicates its love to you. By loving rather than judging that part of you, you allow it to become integrated and healed so that the power it possesses can be used for your higher good rather than for self-destruction.
I have found there is freedom in being able to move from shame to a place of honesty and in turn community and connection in knowing that we are all in this together. We all have inner voices that can get us spinning and lost. In naming, loving, and reclaiming them we can finally be whole–complete and at peace–not to mention the world becomes a much nicer place both inside and out.
So, I challenge you this week to look inside and send love, lots of love, to every part of your being. I encourage you to send compassion and forgiveness to where there is judgment and to send joy to where there is rigidity or hardness. I promise you, you’ll be glad you did.
copyright Carole L. Billingham 2008
Have you ever found yourself babbling mindlessly to someone, more because of your discomfort with silence or your love of hearing yourself talk, than because of the importance of what you have to say? I certainly have. Once the embarrassment wore off I would often realize that my attention and focus had shifted away from my words and from the person I was talking with to a mindless place of self-centeredness. Simply put, I wasn’t fully present.
Thankfully, as I matured and started to master the coaching skills that I have spent the past twelve years learning, I realized that there are many gifts to being fully present. At the top of that list is the gift of not looking like a fool. Don’t get me wrong, I realize that there are a lot of other places where I can make a fool of myself, but babbling mindlessly is one that I’d like to think I have crossed off my list.
All kidding aside, since I am now over 40, looking like a fool really doesn’t matter all that much to me anymore, but, honoring other people and their presence in my life does. And for that reason, I am compelled to pay better attention to whether I am fully present or not and to do my best to do so as often as I can. By doing so, I honor myself and those around me.
In the interest of not babbling any further, I will leave you with a simple request. How about spending more time paying attention to what comes out of your mouth this week and challenging yourself to listen more and talk less? I look forward to “hearing” how it goes.
copyright Carole L. Billingham, 2008
A Love Hate Relationship
By Carole L. Billingham, MCC
Have you ever fallen in love and realized years later that you are no longer an ideal fit for one another? What was once an ideal relationship has now shifted to a dysfunctional, almost addictive connection that clearly no longer serves you. I am talking about my love/hate affair with e-mail.
I remember back to 1993 when we first met. At the time, I was excited to find someone who had an e-mail address–usually a techie or amateur techie, who I had very little in common with.
In 1995, it came in handy when slowly breaking up with my long-distance boyfriend, one of five people in my e-mail address book. It gave us a means of staying in touch while breaking up yet not breaking the piggy bank in the days of 20 cent per minute long distance.
In 1996 when I published my first e-zine, Dancing Wisdom, I trusted, that although many people were not yet using e-mail, that my ideal clients would be and would be excited to receive an
In 1997 my love affair with e-mail grew as my auto accident necessitated better boundaries between me and my work. I needed more space and the freedom to connect with clients and friends on my own schedule allowed me, with the help of e-mail, to stay in touch, but on my own terms rather than within the constraints of a 9-5 schedule.
Now deeply and utterly in love, the birth of my daughter solidified my oath to my electronic amore. Being able to communicate at all hours of the evening made my infatuation even stronger. It was then that I discovered having an “open relationship” with not only e-mail, but with the World Wide Web. I discovered a plethora of loves waiting for me with just the click of a button.
Having moved from a thriving metropolis to a small mountain village and having an entire universe at my finger tips was seductive. I no longer felt the need to leave my home or my little community to get my needs met. I had found paradise. My love was complete.
Having experienced dysfunctional love in my youth, I thought that I was immune to its manipulative ways. Being older (and years of therapy later), I thought myself wise enough not to ever be caught in the clutches of fear-based love. I was wrong.
After 14 years (where did the time go?), I am ready for a change as I can clearly see that I have allowed myself to get caught in a web (no pun intended) of deceit and collusion. I have lost myself and a good chunk of my life to a lover that wanted to own me. Instead of being a partnership, I have given myself and my power to a lover who was never satisfied. Always wanting more from me, I gave and gave until I had nothing left.
Don’t get me wrong, part of our relationship was healthy. Like being able to transfer documents back and forth with ease, or being able to share data or answer a quick question in a two sentence response. But when you realize that you no longer chat over the phone with your girlfriends, and you can’t remember the last time you enjoyed having a leisurely cup of coffee with a buddy, you must admit you have a problem.
When you wake up to realize that before you are even awake, your fingers are busy typing at your keyboard–you have a problem. When you ignore time with your family to go check your e-mail–you have a problem. When you just check for “one quick sec” before you go to bed, swearing that you’ll never do it again–you have a problem. When you find yourself making excuses like, “I just need to make sure that . . .”–you have a problem. When you don’t bother answering your e-mail right way, but “just want to make sure there’s nothing important”–you have a problem. When you realize that your main life line to the outside world is your e-mail–you have a problem.
It is time for me to take back my power and to decide whether this relationship is working for me or not. As I said, I do realize that with the proper boundaries in place that perhaps we don’t need to make an entire split from one another. I just need to get clear about where our relationship is working and where it is not.
What I want is freedom to feel like I have a choice rather than unconsciously behaving in ways that from the outside, would look like I don’t. I want to pick and choose how we interact rather than blindly being sucked in and losing my ??? (and my sanity) . . .
How I Built My Business Taking Cat Naps:
How napping can lead to business success
By Carole L. Billingham, MCC
If someone had told me years ago that one of the smartest things that I could do for my business was to take cat naps, I would have thought that they were out of their mind! Well, I have news for you. Sometimes being out of your mind is not a bad thing, especially in business.
Let me tell you what I mean.
I have noticed that the harder we try to make things work, the more that thing that we want most, elude us. I have seen this in myself, and have seen it over and over again with my clients. That’s the bad news. The good news is that by letting go of things a bit, has a way of making what we want fall perfectly into place. (Remember that saying, what you resist, persists?)
In order to truly let things go you must get “out of your mind” and into your heart. Not an easy thing for most of us super achievers to do. Most of us have spent a lifetime in our heads and the idea of tapping into another place terrifies us. After all, our heads have done us just fine so far!
But if I were to ask you to quiet yourself a bit, turn off some of that mind chatter, would you not say that there is another place from which you often find your brilliant ideas and insights? Yes, your head may be the place that sorts through those ideas and implements them, but it is your heart, that gives them to your head in the first place?
When is the last time that you’ve made time or space for your heart to communicate with you? Even more important, do you create time on a regular basis to do so?
Logically, in order to hear the whisper of the heart, we must find a way to quiet the endless (and often loud) chatter of our minds. This takes conscious effort, especially at the beginning. But like most things, practice does help.
Obviously, meditation is a good way to go about “getting out of our minds,” but there are many other ways to do this as well. Like napping for instance. I have found that a simple 20 minute nap (often during my lunch hour) is the perfect solution for a mind that is working overtime.
Not only does napping allow my mind to rest, but it also allows me to clear my thoughts and digest what I am learning along the way. As a business owner, this is invaluable.
Even more important, I am able to go into my afternoon activities with a clear head and a relaxed body.
Now I realize that depending on one’s circumstances, it is not always easy or appropriate to take a nap in the middle of one’s day, but the power is in the intention. With an intention of creating some “down” time you can find there are many options available to you. For example: taking a walk outside, getting to the gym for a workout, finding a quiet place to do some reading or journaling, or turning your chair away from your door and simply closing your eyes for a few moments. (This is what I used to do when I was a stockbroker with a glass office. I would put on my headset, turn my chair around and close my eyes. From the outside looking in, it looked like I was on the telephone with a client. If only they knew what I was really doing!)
I challenge you to get creative (use your head if you have to) and find a way to “get out of your mind.” Whether it’s stealing a cat nap or finally making a commitment to meditate, there are amazing things waiting to happen for you.
Enough Already
By Carole L. Billingham, MCC
I need not
prove anything
for my presence
is enough
I need not
do anything
for what
I’ve done is
enough
I need not
say anything
for what
I’ve said is
enough
I need not
learn anything
for what
I already know
is enough
Enough already
It is time
for me
to embrace
that I am
enough
just as I am
And that’s
enough
for me
Honoring Your Limitations
By Carole L. Billingham, MCC
Do you know, and honor, your personal limitations? Or do you wait until you’ve smacked head first into them before you slow down and back off?
I’ve been pushing myself a lot lately. A few months ago I decided to work on launching a new business that I already knew would demand a great deal of time and energy from me. I knew that it would take extra effort on my part to prioritize, organize and keep my focus as I learned new skills while honoring my commitment to living a balanced and fulfilling life.
From the inside looking out, it’s been a bumpy ride. Every time I get one task accomplished, five more items instantly appear on my to-do list. Instead of focusing on what is getting done, I’m busy stressing about what isn’t. I find myself up against the relentless and cruel taskmaster within who is never satisfied with my progress or accomplishments. Even my dreams, lately, are filled with chaos and confusion making it clear that it’s time for something to change.
Before my head injury, my solution to challenges was to simply try harder. Amazingly, that usually seemed to do the trick, until I exhausted all my reserves of energy and ended up with a sinus infection, bronchitis or some other ailment. I guess, in truth, trying harder was a short term fix to a deeper problem that was rooted in being an unrealistic perfectionist.
Fast forward many years and a head injury later, whether I like it or not, my inner perfectionist is still alive and pushing. To make matters worse, if I haven’t taken the time to pay attention to my inner guidance and slow down, she takes over and runs my life in ways that clearly don’t serve me. It’s not until I wake up with a nasty headache or sore throat, that I realize that I missed the signs.
Did I mention that my inner perfectionist has unobtainable standards and lacks a sense of humor? She rationalizes that having high standards is a good thing and conveniently forgets to mention that unobtainable standards are really more about her insecurities than they are about the standards themselves.
And, her sense of humor? Forget about it. When there’s so much work to be done there’s no time to waste by laughing or being light. That’s simply a waste of one’s resources.
As I visualize my inner perfectionist, I see her with a whip in her hands yelling wildly, “Keep going!” As I stop to look into her eyes, I see that she’s afraid. Afraid of life. Afraid of people. Afraid to stop.
As I continue to make eye contact, I open my heart and send her love. I allow her to recognize that I truly see her and that I love her. A tear wells up in her eyes. I reach for her and see that she’s frightened and unsure of whether to let me in. I let her know that I can be trusted and that I do not judge her. Quite the contrary, I love and acknowledge her for letting me in and having the courage to allow me to connect with her. I reach out and hold her in my arms. I feel the stiffness in her body soften as we connect. I feel her fears and her fierceness melt away as she relinquishes her resistance and lets in my love.
As I continue to hold her, I realize that she is simply a lost part of me that longs for connection. That like all of us, what she wants most is to be loved and to feel a sense of belonging. By having the courage to be truly seen, she allows herself to be gifted with the understanding that she is worthy. I love her just as she is. She doesn’t need to accomplish anything in order to be loved and valued. Her worth doesn’t need to be earned; it is her birth right.
She is perfect just as she is. She smiles with understanding as she remembers the truth. As we walk together hand in hand we are grateful. Grateful for our connection, grateful for our friendship, and grateful for the good things to come.
She whispers into my ear, “Remind others.” And so with a sense of reverence and peace I ask you: is there an inner perfectionist or inner taskmaster crying out for your love and attention? If so, what can you do to make a connection with her/him? What gifts might await you if you did?
©2007 Carole L. Billingham, MCC
What Does Your Intuition Say?
by Carole L. Billingham, MCC
“Mommy, what does your intuition say?” Those are the words my 6-year-old started asking me since I sat down with her a few months ago to talk with her about her inner guidance system.
It started in preschool when my daughter would come home from school upset and complaining that someone hurt her feelings. I would explain to her that no one could hurt her feelings without her giving them permission to do so. In other words, her feelings belong to her and that only she can decide what she wants to feel and how long she wants to feel that way. She seemed to understand and soon stopped complaining about how other classmates treated her.
From there, we’d often chat about how important our feelings are and how we can have a positive affect on others by being kind, courteous and compassionate. I wanted her to understand that how we treat others affects them as well as us.
As we talked more about emotions and feelings, I realized that although she was very young, she had a clear understanding of what I was trying to teach her or that she indeed understood that the primary way we find our place in the world is through emotion. I could also see that there was no need for me to teach her these principles as she, in her 6-year-old body, clearly lived in the present moment. What I was doing was simply offering a language she could use and an opportunity to further explore how the world works and how she is a co-creation within it.
Eventually we found ourselves talking about intuition, that quiet voice that lives in our tummy or in our heart, and has the answer to any question we have. We’d be in the car and she’d ask me a question. Often, my response would be, “What does your intuition say about that?” She’d quickly find an answer that, more times than not, was right on target. She rapidly learned that by taking a moment to go inside herself, she’d find the guidance she was looking for.
Being like a sponge, she took off with the idea of using her intuition and ran with it. She’d come into the kitchen and say, “Mommy, my intuition says it wants a cup of hot chocolate.” Or, “Mommy my intuition says it’s okay to stay up late tonight.” I’d smile knowing that she indeed was finding her inner guidance and learning not to give her power away by thinking that others have the answer for her―a lesson many adults are still learning.
My recent conversations with my daughter have been reversed, where her question to me is, “Mommy, what does your intuition say?” My challenge is to remember to remind her that she has her own answers and that I don’t necessarily help her by giving her mine. My intuition is here to guide me just as hers is there to guide her.
I feel so blessed to have such a sacred and special relationship with my daughter. I have known from the time of her conception that she was here to teach me much more than I’d ever be able to teach her. What I didn’t realize is the wonderful opportunity that she’d give me to solidify my own wisdom and to step into the role of being a wise and fully-present mother. Don’t get me wrong, I struggle like everyone else to be the best parent that I can be, but when I get stuck all I have to do is ask, “What does my intuition say?” and I’m back on track again.
©2007 Carole L. Billingham, MCC
Be The Change That You Want
To See In The World
By Carole L. Billingham, MCC
Did you know that if Gandhi were alive today he would have been 138 years old.
Gandhi’s biggest gift to us was his wisdom and his commitment to using nonviolent resistance to create change. It’s humbling to see that almost 60 years after his death we are still in need of remembering the power of nonviolence. Being the optimist that I am, I believe that although we still have a ways to go we are learning and starting to live from the principles of love, peace and nonviolent resistance. We are starting to understand that violence is never the answer and that peace starts from within.
Gandhi taught us to be the change that we want to see in the world. It’s easy to sit in our armchairs and judge others for the mistakes they are making. In doing so, we feel righteous and eventually more and more powerless to do anything. Worst of all, we continue to feel disconnected from ourselves, from others and from Spirit. As we pivot towards using the wisdom within, we understand that the opportunity that lies before us is to realize that we are not helpless and if we desire to do so, we can in this very moment do something to create healing and peace both for ourselves and for our planet.
The opportunity and challenge before us is to catch ourselves (lovingly) when we are waging war with ourselves and simply to stop. If the change you want to see in the world is more love and compassion, be more loving and compassionate towards yourself. If the change you want to see in the world is more cooperation and generosity, be more cooperative and generous with yourself. Miraculously you will see that as you make these changes within, you will start to see them manifest in your experiences and interactions with the outer world.
If we are truly One and somehow all interconnected, then there is no “them” and there is only “we” or “us.” What we do to ourselves we in turn do to others and what we see in the outside world is a reflection of what is happening inside each and every one of us. The good news is that we DO have the power to create change and it lies within us. Not “out there” somewhere, but “in here” somewhere. The even better news is that many of us have already burst through that invisible barrier and are here to help others that want to do the same. In other words, you are not alone in your craving for peace and love. There are millions of us holding the space for all of humanity to step into a new way of being. I believe that we are already creating the change that we want to see and that as we gather together and create momentum, amazing and wonderful things are in store for us.
Your presence here is not an accident. When you are ready, you can unleash the gifts that you came here to bring. It’s really just a matter of time. How about right now?
©2006 Carole L. Billingham, MCC